An Episode From Chai Channel’s Real Housewives of Desiville, USA

*****Disclaimer: No desis were harmed in the making of this episode. All views expressed are strictly the characters’ and not the author’s.******

Welcome to another mind-blowing episode of the Real Housewives of Desiville—where the food is always spicy but the drama spicier, and the chai is always hot.

Last night’s dinner party episode started as usual. The ladies arrived dressed in their best, and the latest sari fashion imported from home, (India is still “back home” to most, even the naturalized citizens), the husbands in their tweeds and wools, and the children in torn jeans, unwashed t-shirts, assorted piercings, and hair that fell to their chins. So much so that parents had to lift the hair like a veil to identify their offspring. After the initial hugs, and the mutual backhanded compliments “oh you look like you’re getting younger by the day” (in other words, “Why are you dressed in your daughter’s clothes, you floozy?”) everyone settled down with their favorite libation.

And then, talk turned to college admission. And that’s when Charu and Maya almost came to blows—and over what? A silly matter of whose child was definitely going to Harvard. In the fight that ensued, both the ladies started waving full plates loaded with dhal makhani and karahi paneer, which were in turn loaded with chili powder, turmeric and saffron, at each other. That’s when Anita Badami, the hostess, intervened as she saw the danger to her beautiful new white carpet.

She, having recently sent both her kids successfully to the local community college, saw no point in this fight and begged Mr. Dhanpal to intervene. Mr. Badami was cluelessly giving a tour of his new home theater to the men folk. As they all salivated over the double speakers, the surround sound, the insulation and the possibility of being invited to many cozy evenings of Bollywood hits from the 1960s they completely missed the pandemonium upstairs. Except for Mr. Dhanpal, of course, who always hangs out with the ladies, complimenting their outfits, food and cracking recycled jokes. The ladies tolerate him as they secretly suspect know he doesn’t really know anything about politics, economy, the Indo-Pakistan problem and other things the men usually talk about and feels more comfortable with the women’s gossip.

The agenda for last night’s party was loosely this: meet and greet, followed by the dissecting of the new family that’s moved into town—they seemed very out of place with their Amreecan ways, their European vacations and parties where only whites were invited—but give them some time, we’ll fix them, said Mrs. G knowingly. This was to be followed by the updating of the list of who’s not talking to whom (heretofore referred to as The List), who was not invited to the wedding of Keya, Mrs. S’s daughter, which brown child was dating which white or black person, and finally who was going to host next month’s party.

Of course, things unraveled during the main course, which ended with the concerned ladies cooling their heels and their tongues at two ends of the couch, leading to an agile real-time update to The List.

Attention then turned to Vishala, the newly hired QA engineer at Green Minus Insurance.

“How’s the new job, beti?” asked the elderly Mrs. Shyamala.

“Oh you are not going to be believing this! I am walking into the office on my first day of work, and guess what? The security chap greeted me with, “baaga unnara?” And this guy is gora!”

“Oh I have heard about it! Meetings are held mostly in Telugu or Tamil. Oh, sure, they have a few token Americans here and there in the QA groups who are like, totally confused and lost,” piped in Maya. This was greeted with appreciative cackling and high-fiving about how everywhere Indian brains are taking over the global IT scene.

“Ok girls. I need a new cleaning lady. Anyone know anybody good?” asked Santoshi.

“Why what happened to your lady? I thought you liked her.” This was from Monu, who had changed her Indian name of Mangala to make it easier on the western tongues.

“Oh I liked her alright. But she quit—thanks to my mother-in-law who was here for two months! She used to follow her around while she was cleaning thinking she was doing me a favor. You know, like how they treat servants back home. My girl finally had it and quit. So please let me know if any of yours is free to take on one more job.”

That was their cue to change the subject as nobody in the desi community likes to share their maids, where they shop for good deals, and their prized recipes.

Talk then turned to politics and the presidential election. Kanchana, a young housewife and new to the group, asked naively: “I heard that Obama is really a Hindu, and goes to a temple secretly. Is it true?”

“No, no, that’s all rumors. I got my citizenship last year, you know!” said Sukanya, as if that should put an end to any doubts as to her wisdom about anything American.

And so it went on. And that concludes the recap of yet another spicy evening of the desi housewives.

Stay tuned to the Chai Channel on the Desi Network—where the chai is always hot!


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. vaish
    Sep 05, 2015 @ 01:41:14

    Sounds familiar. You would be damned if you skip one of these soirees, you would be double damned if you don’t!

    Liked by 1 person


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