Of working from home, Apple and #firstworldproblems

Image reproduced with permission from author Andy Singer. Find more of his humorous stuff at:

http://www.andysinger.com

My husband recently took a job working from home for a startup company based in London. We live in Jacksonville, Florida. While this may seem like nothing in today’s hyper-connected world, which is shrinking into one tiny village, (while at the same the universe is said to be expanding at the speed of light—go figure) those very same technological advances liven up my otherwise boring, empty nest life in ways I would never have imagined.

London calling: He gets calls on facetime all the time from his boss. As all technophiles know, Facetime is to long distance callers as shiny objects are to nerds. But sometimes, he is not quite dressed for work, and holds the phone at crazy angles so only, and only his face can be seen. It is facetime after all—not DressDownWeektime or IDon’tFeelLikeTrousersTodayTime. The day when he will be careless with the camera angle in his sleep-deprived startup mode is inevitably looming in the near future. Sorry Russell. Don’t tell me I didn’t warn you.

Apple procreates: Apple products should come with a warning that they multiply like rabbits. From the lone ipod, my own collection—and I am slow when it comes to jumping on the latest technology, has grown to an impressive collection including but not limited to: my ipad (donated by hubby when he bought himself  an ipad 2), iphone, and Macbook Air. I have to mentally check things off as I move from kitchen to lanai to living room to make sure I haven’t forgotten anything in the essential home travel kit of phone, charger, ipad for reading books, Macbook for editing and other stuff I can’t do on ipad, landline phone, and my glasses without which all of the above are useless.

So imagine my glee as I sat across Raj, working on my latest article, and he let out an exasperated sigh.  The cause? Imagine if you will, a guy sitting at a desk surrounded by: an Apple desktop, a Mac book Air, his iphone and ipad. Imagine most all of his meetings are with people across the pond, and over the phone. Sometimes Skype gets in the mix too, along with facetime, imessage, gchat, chatter and just plain old conference calls. It’s reminiscent of Kothavalchavadi. Or (I imagine) the New York stock exchange. I think fondly of the days when just getting on a bridge for a conference call was considered high tech. What blissfully ignorant naïve fools we were!

So, back to the calls—continue the journey into the nightmare scenario: all the devices have two calendars: iCal and Outlook. All his devices are always synced. All meetings have reminders. (Do you see where I’m going with this?) It’s literally like a fire drill before every call—as he goes about dismissing the frantic beeps from 8 programs that he has a meeting. He has a meeting. He has a meeting.

I think the day will come when when he won’t need an Admin Assistant (he doesn’t have one now, but wants one.)  Or a wife.  Unless technology can come up with a way to serve idli/dosas and coffee along with reminders. So I believe I am safe. For now.

Anatomy of an affair

There she is …svelte, sexy and slim, the seductress.  I remember the days when he used to look at me the way he looks at her now.  Always within his reach, never went anywhere without me.  Yes, I was the ‘other woman’.  I remember the wife looking at me with such hatred every time he came home with me cooing in his ears.  It was a blatant affair.    I was the sexy one compared to his tired old wife – grungy, frumpy, tired and angry.  I was new and shiny and he was always at my beck and call.   He gave me his undivided attention the moment I demanded it.  He left family dinners to be with me.  He took me on his family vacations.  I was the last thing he looked at before he slept and the first thing he reached for when he woke up.

But now, all that is history.  I have been relegated to the background, replaced by her –  newer, shinier, sexier, slimmer, vibrant.  He is totally addicted to her.  What is worse, the tired old wife also seems to be in love with her!  There they both are, in bed, with her!  While I gather dust,  alone in my misery.

You smile now, you vixen!  But your day will come – in six months, a newer other woman will emerge to replace you, the i-slut, the iPad!  Don’t worry – I’ll save you a place in the dusty shelf that is the graveyard of outdated technology.

The blackberry

Note:  This entry inspired by 3 guys at a recent dinner lusting over the new iPad 2 of the host.  One of the guys being my husband.